|
| Pirate Positions Registration | |
|
+29TrillionTrillaTunka Kamina Newton Nettai Anyanka Masayoshi Vin Laplace Bones! Eden D. Scythe Ginjo Kaido Yami Draco D. Killdread Ser Random Radley Prankster Succubus Blake Kitteh Mari Kuribayashi Tsarna Vephist D. Yhs Tymee Alpha Aika Seiren Heartsmith Ninth_Horseman Phoenix D. Jack Hiroko Lucky Wilshire Azure Snow Destiny 33 posters | |
Author | Message |
---|
Eden D. Scythe
Position : Supernova Posts : 202
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Ryū Hikō Skill 2: Sora Dōmō Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Sat Aug 29, 2015 12:33 pm | |
| I will keep this short and sweet. For the time being, you have been denied for the rank of Supernova. The reasons why are as follow: you have several grammatical errors throughout your sample; I'm not sure what the "red" and "blue" are for; you make OOC comments during the RP of your character's thoughts. Now, on the bright sides, I like your use of onomatopoeia throughout the sample. I also believe that putting your character into a situation where your character actually didn't succeed is awesome; this is much more realistic, and to me that means a lot. I want you to spend the next few days polishing your grammar and writing skills. Look at some of the other samples that were approved and try to format your writing the way they do. I believe that with some practice, you can be a fine Supernova! Practice hard and try again in a few days. - Draco D Killdread wrote:
- Crew: The Legends
Position: Super Nova Tier: 1 Activity: 3-5 hours depends Why: because all will know the name of holy DDS Sample: As i began to walk down the spiraling road of mt havoc,i started to hear fluttering."tch" shrugging off the near by threats. "Pop-pop"...."pop-pop" popping noises i thought to myself "hmm" rear admril Korks. red Im not here to chat Draco lets go.
He dashed towards me nearly knocking me of the mountain side..."panting pant-pant" catching my breath i lunged at him using my (Seinaru Seinaru fruit powers) catching the tip of his marine coat.Dammit he's fast.
red"HEEEY" yelling Korks,up here ya dumbshit.
"BOOM-BOOM"as the sound of Korks 10mm canons exploded causing a landslide of boulders to come crashing down.As i jumped he threw a right straight at incredible speed causing me to twist at a tremendous speed towards the mountain side crashing against it."DAMMIT" i yelled,rushing the admril throwing a barrage of holy fire at him.Dodging it he didnt see me as i hide behind a nearby boulder.shit i thought to myself,this asshole is to be messed with.
red "Ooohh mister Draco where are you".....red
blue "Right here you oversized p-p-piig"!!
Korks began ignitiating protocal V (the destruction of mt havoc). Damn you Korks getting in close,and throwing several flame induced kicks stumbling the rea admril. Jumping back,as he start's to catch his balance,i started to hear loud battle cry's as 50 marines and another rear admril started getting closer and closer."This is bad" thinking to myself how im gonna get out of here."Bang- Bang- Bang" as the sound of flintlock pistols and rifles ringed across the mountain side.
red"Its over" we will capture you..then torture you....and finally you will meet your grave
blue And your the good guys?...dont make me laught i'll slaughter the lot of ya and be on my way.My crew is waiting for me and im afraid to to tell you i wont let them down.
Jumping,then throwing several knives at Kurk catching him once in his right calf and twice in his upper right thighUsing the momentum from the jump i whipped out my holy fist technique hitting the rear admril sending him flying towards his peers.One marine started slashing at me with his cutless parrying it with a stone off the ground i then smashed it on his head.One after another i was attacked dodging almost every hit,ending up at a ledge behind everyone. Is this it....thinking of the crew i blacked out entering a baserk rage"..i..i...i will not DIE"!!!!! punching one marine,kicking the next sending him flying.I grabbed one marine throwing him off the ledge.Roundhouse,axe kick,elbow,fist,foot,one after another they cought my wrath.noticing i had made just enough space between me in them,i lept off the mountain side falling 50feet.As i was falling i again thought of the crew......just to be saved by them. As i looked up to see the captain holding me i pasted out...but she muttered to me
pink All is well Draco we'll handle the rest | |
| | | Draco D. Killdread
Posts : 44
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Seinaru seinaru no Mi Skill 2: Rokushiki Skill 3: Bosushoki-Haki
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Sat Aug 29, 2015 12:36 pm | |
| next time i'll have it down packed thanx | |
| | | Laplace
Posts : 56
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Sat Aug 29, 2015 1:21 pm | |
|
IN RESPONSE TO ELRON
Suffice to say, I was between 300 and 350 words in before worrying that I might decide to deny the sample, and around 550 words in before coming to the conclusion that the sample was going to be denied. So from top to bottom, start of the sample to the end one paragraph at a time, here goes my review.
The very first sentence of your sample contradicts, or is contradicted by a statement succeeding it in another paragraph. "It was just like any other typical day in Elron's life." conflicts with the statement " Never before in his life had he been to Karate Island..." Not a major problem considering the first sentence generally acts as a hook to have the reader pulled into the story engaged and ready to watch the words convert into imagery in their minds; nevertheless, while that first sentence doesn't have a particular level of significance in the sample and pointing out this bit is outright nitpicking, it's a matter of fluidity in your sample and the detriment it provides in quality that lowers my nonexistent rating on the sample.
The second sentence gives me ample confusion thanks to structure and a factor--which I'm not entirely sure of since I can't tell your intent with how this sentence was supposed to flow--of what I assume to be improper punctuation. A major problem with how unsure I am of whether or not there was a punctuation error is that the sentence written wasn't clear enough for a reader to discern that point. Eden noted it as well in the chatbox, but I'm sure without my clarification you can easily see what's wrong with the following sentence: "With another toss Elron flicked his own body over the ledge and before you knew it landed in the sand with a similar thud as the ship creating a small crater."
I'll point this out ahead of time before I get to the latter dialogue, but there's the inconsistency of coloured dialogue and non-coloured dialogue, which provides a decent amount of confusion. One part in the quoting of the noted martial arts style followed by some dialogue, where the only very clear distinction is a difference in sentence flow and a series of periods. Not a major fault, but the repitition gradually grows obnoxious. The dialogue itself I'm fairly whatever about since it's your story, and it'll go the way you want it to in the manner you'd like it to go, but--and this doesn't really affect the verdict--it's fairly stale and monotonous.
The next few paragraphs aren't too bad; while clear and straight-forward, the only things I had trouble with was sentence structure that failed to provide fluidity. Occasionally this would breed a sentence that didn't really make sentence, but as it only happened in these paragraphs to lines that existed more or less as fluff to the post, they weren't all that bad either. There comes a problem concerning inconsistency once again, with the narration of him "razing an island" while previously stated context let's the reader know that "Karate Island" has multiple martial arts, and Elron only came across one specified dojo.
At most, I would sum this up to exaggeration--unfortunately, it's difficult to tell. That is, until there's actual portions of narration subsequent that describes him actually razing the island and burning down dojos wherever his feet carried him. The bridge from his antics in one dojo, to the succeeding pillaging of the entire island prompted confusion, and I was very lost without that detail being smoothed out. Either way, at the very least all would be swell concerning these points of exaggeration entirely, until you can't tell whether or not it's exaggerated or literal. This happens again when the marines come onto the scene on the sand, narration claiming they are the finest. Without reading ahead you already know--as cliches demand--they were going to be utterly ravaged. And yet, they represent the finest. You'd think it's just exaggeration for dramatic effect and improved reverence towards the subject, right? The manner in which Elron carries himself, perhaps eludes to him being under the impression that even the finest marines wouldn't be a challenge and that this misconception was entirely generated by his own psyche--but that arrogance equally offers the thought of these marines being described as "the finest" literally. Of course, I immediately assume that isn't the case even if I'm urged to think of Elron as "the next Mihawk".
The story is however you chose to mold it afterwards with the appearance of a Rear Admiral and whatnot, and while it's easily seen where the sample is going based off of the cliche direction traversed throughout the rest of the preceding post, it's not all that bad of a problem. What does pose a problem is, once more, lacking proficiency portrayed in the sentence structure that seems to outright miss portions of what differs a phrase from a sentence entirely, smack-dab in the middle of the sentence itself.
All in all, there were multiple smaller details nitpicked at that wouldn't provide a resulting denial, until they were offered the opportunity to overlay against larger, far more impacting errs and portions that degraded the sample quality progressively. Thus, my verdict is that this sample is denied. While there were a lot of things I pointed out, since a lot of it was minor--yet frequent--I hope to come across a following application in three days time. Until then, I look forward to seeing improvement.
edit: I forgot a major point: Your sample for Shichibukai would be extremely conflicting, as Elron acts as a normal pirate, whereas a Shichibukai would--or at least should not--be razing an entire island and burning it to the ground before fighting off and--presumably--killing off a Rear Admiral and supporting marines. Shichibukai have limited immunity, and will ultimately have their special rights relinquished if they go too far.
| |
| | | Ser Random
Berries : 22,300,000 Posts : 233
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Skill 2: Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Sat Aug 29, 2015 4:23 pm | |
| My response to your response because something things confuse me.
"It was just like any other typical day in Elron's life."
This has to do with
"The sun beat down upon the tiny ship at which he had once again stowaway on, stowing away was something often making an intrusion in his daily activities. Without a crew of his own he left all in his lonesome to just drift from island to island causing a ruckus."
Which technically would make going to a new island apart of his daily activities. All though the whole never been there before thing just ties into the explanation of the island and why he drifted there.
The first quotes would be what the sign said, and I did miss the coloring of the dialogue after that. The first set was specifically missed to indicate it wasn't dialogue but what the sign said.
Now for the remaining paragraphs I only had him go through one dojo, while hinting at the fact there were multiple.(With a bit of time skipped due to the fact it was just a sample and I did not want to repeat going into multiple dojos and it become boring) Then I started out with the whole "clouds of smoke and flames" stuff to symbolize that time skip and to let the readers know he went through those multiple dojos. Also I know my fluff skills suck lol
Also if you read what I put after the sample like you noted, it was exaggerated on purpose because how does one accurately gauge the median strength of 7 warlords?
The warlords must do something extraordinary to get themselves noticed; this would be that event.
Referring to the Mihawk bit was because he has no crew.
| |
| | | Yami
Posts : 10
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Nikyu Nikyu no Mi Skill 2: Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Mon Aug 31, 2015 9:29 am | |
| Crew: N/A (Still up for grabs -wink wink-) Position: Super Nova Tier: 1 Activity: Two to five hours a day Why: Because my character is a constant rule breaker with the exception of some of his own rules. Just hand him a rule or book of laws and he'll try his hardest to break every last one of them. He has absolutely no love for marines and the world government and anyone who stands with them. Sample: - The Sample:
Yami sat at the bar of a tavern in a town called Gosa village on one of the Conomi islands, within the East Blue. The entire tavern was empty aside from Yami and the bartender. In his left hand he held a cup of cola, in the other a receiver of a Den Den Mushi. His trademark top hat sat on the stool next to him like he was reserving the seat. "Yep...Mhm...Yeah, i'm still here. This place is still kinda crawling with bounty hunters...Right, thanks captain. Just don't forget about me this time." He said just before hanging the receiver back into its slot on the snail shell. He then hunched his shoulders and let out a long sigh. Several hours ago, early in the morning before dawn, Yami went off alone in search of herbs to make medicine out of. When he is out getting herbs, he tends to foolishly lose track of time. Yami had a doctors office in the ship which he usually had a "Do not disturbed" sign on the door in red letters. When he slept he kept the sign on the the door. Unfortunately, he forgot to take down the sign before leaving the ship. Under the impression that the doctor was sleeping contently in room, the ship and crew left the island. The agreement was that they would set sail at dawn.
His glass was held high over his head once he chugged down another glass cola. "May i have another, my good sir?" Yami asked the bartender. The bartender was a tall bald muscular man wearing white shorts with a red rose pattern. "Yeah! Course ya' can! Another cola comin' right up!" The man said filled with enthusiasm. As the man reached under the bar he looked at Yami with his eyebrow raised. He went on to pour cola into the empty glass. color=purple]"Hey, don't i know you from somewhere? You seem pretty familiar...You must be one of those famous bounty hunters i heard of!"[/color] Yami laughed as the man claimed to know him as a bounty hunter. Just the thought of being a bounty hunter made him laugh. It was the first time someone thought he was a bounty hunter. "No no no, i'm just a pirate doctor...Or a doctor pirate. And this is the first time i've been to this island. Guess i just have one of those faces." He replied followed by more laughter. "Well of you're a pirate you should watch out for the bounty hunters round here. They'll come after you even if ya' have three beri bounty. Especially a guy named Big Roy. He has a large group of bounty hunter under his command." Said the bartender with a wide grin on his face.
The loud booming sound of a cannon, followed by the cries of pain and agony could be heard from just outside the tavern. Yami stood to his feet grabbing his hat and placing it on his head. The sound of someone in pain was like an alarm clock ringing in his head. To him it was his sworn duty as a doctor to help anyone in need. After picking up his medical bag, he said. "I should get going now, have a nice day and keep the change." Yami tossed a thousand beri bill on the bar before heading out of the door. " Have a good day!" The bartender replied happily. Outside the shop was a large man around six foot five in height with a golden cannon strapped on his right shoulder. Five men stood behind the much larger man with swords and pistols holstered around their waists. Another man was laying in a pool of blood on the ground several meters in front of group. Yami swiftly walked over and knelt down by the man.
With his hands he ripped of the mans shirt. There were no external injuries, just one large cannon ball shaped bruise on the mans stomach and lower chest. With his hands he felt the mans ribs on both sides. "You'll be just fine. My name is Yami, and i'm a doctor i'll fix you right up." Yami said in a reassuring tone and a smile. The man began to cough up blood. "Some of his ribs are broken and he probably has a ruptured kidney. He's in really bad shape here. I've got to start right aw-" His thought was cut off by the voice of the man with the cannon. "That's my bounty he's worth three million beri dead or alive! So back off or die with him!" The man demanded. Yami ignored the threat to focus solely on his patient. He reached into his medical bag for a syringe filled with medicine to stabilize the man. Yami had pills to do the same thing but in this situation they wouldn't work, the male would just choke on them.
Still looking and reaching into his bag he didn't notice the now charging bounty hunter. Lifting and swinging his massive leg, the man managed to kick Yami in the face sending him tumbling and crashing into a wall. Pieces of the building collapsed and fell on top Yami. The larger bounty hunter laughed. "You must not know who i am boy! I'm Big Roy one of the most famous bounty hunters in the East Blue. I was gonna keep him alive but i just changed my mine." Roy cocked his cannon as he aimed down at the injured pirate, while the rest of his group cheered him on loudly. Yami pushed the rubble off of himself then stood to his feet. He began to dust himself off. Only a few bruises were seen in his face. His eyes grew wide in fear as he saw where Roy's cannon was aimed. "Wait! No!" Yami yelled, extending his arm toward the pirate. At that moment Roy smirked, and pulled the trigger. The cannon ball was released followed by a loud crash. The cannon ball hit the man square in the chest crushing his chest cavity. His lungs and heart were crushed instantly upon impact. Just by looking Yami could tell the man was dead. He figured at that range and his previous condition there was no logical way he could've survived.
Yami walked to the middle of the road where his hat had been blown to. He felt death of that pirate was his fault. To Yami that man wasn't just some pirate with a bounty. He was his patient under his care, even though it was brief. The pirate dusted it off, then glared at Roy. His golden eyes were cold and filled with anger. One after the other he took his gloves off. There are only a couple things that piss him off, snakes and hurting his friends and patients. "You're going to pay..." He muttered. "Hey boss look at this. That guy is the Top Hat pirate with an eighty million beri bounty on his head." One of the men said while comparing Yami to a wanted poster. "That scrawny little bastard!? It's probably a fake but what the hell! Looks like you'll be joining your friend in hell! Take this!" Roy took aim at Yami with his golden cannon. Seconds later he pulled the trigger releasing a single cannon ball at high speed at Yami. The top hat pirate raised his left hand up at the incoming cannon ball. The cannon ball was sent fly back into the cannon at a slightly faster speed as soon as it touched Yami's palm. The barrel of the gold cannon was completely destroyed. "What the hell!? How did ya' do that...?"[/color] Big Roy questioned as he remove the shoulder mounted cannon. His men also wondered how the cannon ball was rejected, with rather confused faces.
"I ate the paw paw devil fruit so that makes me a paw palmed man." He replied with his hand pointed towards them showing the animal like paw. He wasn't going to go into detail because he saw no reason too. The group of me laughed historically at the name "Paw palmed man". They also taunted him. Y calling "freak,monster,weirdo...Etc." Yami was used to this sort of reaction. He just saw this moment as a window of opportunity. Their guard was down giving him he perfect time to strike. Yami used his palms to swiftly propel himself toward Roy. To the untrained eye of his much wear opponents, it seemed like his movement was a form teleportation. Before the man had time to react, he was several feet off the ground. Then the pirate jabbed Roy in the jaw with his fist. The punch alone was enough to knock the large bounty hunter flat on his back. Roy grunted as he rolled to his side. He rose to a kneeling position. "Damn pirate..I'LL KILL YOU!" From kneeling Roy charged forward cocking back his massive right arm. Yami stepped out of the way letting the attack pass him by. Yami thrusted both his palms into Roy's faces as he passed him. Roy was then sent flying backward leaving an outline of his body in the face of the building he slammed into. Big Roy gasped for air just before falling to the ground unconscious five seconds later.
With their boss out of commission two of his underlings drew their swords, then dashed toward Yami. The two ran in unison on opposite sides of the road. As they closed in on Yami they swung their swords almost simultaneously aiming for his neck. Crossing his arms with his palms facing the edge of both the blades. The two men spiraled away crashing into builds on their respective sides of the street. Two of the lackeys remained, the two exchanged words quietly. They spoke in a hushed tone so Yami couldn't hear. Suddenly, one dashed up the dirt road then made a right at the first alley way. The other drew his pistol. The grunt shot aiming at Yami's head. With his hand he deflected the bullets back at him. After being hit once by a bullet in the opposite shoulder he was shooting with, he barrel rolled to the left. Yami just followed the barrel of the gun with his palm and continued to deflect bullets. Eventually he ran out of bullets and took off running after the other man.
Yami as he stood over the body of Roy, he heard a horde footsteps closing in on him. The top hat pirate sighed as he looked toward the incoming group of men in front of him. They seemed to be back up with the two men that previously left hidden amongst the crowd. There were about fifty men in total. They were shock to see their boss laying in the dirt unconscious. Comments such as "He took down the boss? What kind of freak is he? Etc."The bounty hunters carried different types of weapons from axes to hand cannons. Intimidating as they thought they seemed Yami was ready to take on the whole lot of them. For a moment the air was still and everyone was silent. The gripping and tightening of some of the bounty hunters hands on their weapons could be heard. Not taking any chances, Yami quickly jabbed the air with his palm sending forth a compressed paw shaped air bubble at the center of the group. "Leopard Paw!" He shouted. The paw hit one of the men in the chest leaving a paw imprint on the mans chest. That same man was sent soaring backward into the crowd along with twenty other bounty hunters. Most of the crowd was stood still in awe of the single attack. Yami just stared with cold eyes at the rest of them.
A couple of black silhouettes could be seen on a pirate ship on the distance horizon behind Yami. The silence was broken as the remaining group of bounty hunters trembled in fear, some of them clumsily stumbled back falling to the ground. Yami looked over his shoulder to see a few familiar figures in the distance. Smiling he raised his hand in the air and began to wave. Seeing no reason to get further involved he said. "That's my queue. I bid you gentlemen farewell. You better bury that man..For your sake i hope we never meet again, Big Roy.." Though he was pretty sure Roy was knocked out cold and unable to hear his parting words, he assumed one of his men would relay his message. The pirate tipped his hat before heading toward his crew mates. The remaining bounty hunters began to scurry off in different directions as he walked away. Others remained and waited until Yami was gone to help their boss.
| |
| | | Prankster First Generation
Position : - Berries : 0 Posts : 320
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Skill 2: Skill 3:
| Subject: here's my second try Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:30 am | |
|
Last edited by prankster on Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:42 am; edited 1 time in total | |
| | | Ginjo Kaido
Position : Lt. Rev Commander Posts : 20
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Mechanical Madness Skill 2: Momento Oculus Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:33 am | |
| THIS POST IS FOR PRANKSTER, he was having complications. - prankster wrote:
- Crew: the Cheshire Harleyquin
Position: supernova Tier: 1 Activity: I can be on anytime for hours if it takes it Why: have you ever met someone so buggy that you wish they'll just go away im the pain the world government and world nobles seem to cant get rid of I go to sleep early just to wake up early to get in trouble give us liberty or else how I see it they got two choices the world nobles can live in our new free world or they can die in they old one. Sample: It was a fine evening as a party of some sort was being held. It wasn't just any party it was a noble party and such a lovely party it was. Boom a loud gun shot went off as everyone turn to see. What gave you the right to talk back to me you low life human. Lord james seemingly loves to shoot his slaves the nobles whispered to themselves After that boredom did start to enter the ball room ironically so did prankster the nobles saw him heading towards the food tables. You there clown you are here to entertain us with entertainment not eat get to it. Prankster said nothing as he continued to eat what he did early made him rather hungry and tire.The nobles looked on as lord James kept yelling at Prankster but to no responsed did Prankster give him til he turned around. Prankster with shrimp in his hand in mouth begin to look at the crowd of nobles finally finishing his food. So your celestial dragons aye yall seem pretty comfortable up in this tower of yours. Lord James and the others looked as he pulled out his gun and aim it at Prankster. So if you wont gives us a magic show or what not ill give you one. Prankster smiled as the nobles begin to laugh at him as though he was a comedy act. Prankster looked up and said for my first act im going to turn a dragon into a coward. The nobles looked on wondering what he meant as Prankster moved his fingers. The noble shot his gun only to be stunned at Prankster not being harmed he kept firing until the clips was empty. As he tired to reload he out of nowhere was getting pushed backed into the wall. The other nobles became afraid as lord James body was being crushed by Prankster invisible barrier.Lord James started to scream for help soon enough the wall had a print of his body pressed into it. Prankster walked back to the table to grab a glass of wine took a sip then said. Wala magic they looked as no more then 5 marine soldiers came in where are the rest of the soldiers the nobles yelled. Getting news that the other guards was unconscious put goosebumps on them.Prankster took a deep breath as he began to walk towards them causing most nobles to run out while the others ran to the tower window hiding behind the marine.For my final act ill be skydiving but ill be needing some volunteers now then be hold.The last few nobles faces turned red Prankster created a barrier frote as it began pushing them back the marine soldiers was helpless as the nobles began to fall out the window. No please wait I cant swim Prankster looked laugh then said dont worry I heard cowards float. Just as he pushed them out the window he gladly smiled as he began to leave. Lord James see him and yelled just who in the hell are you clown Prankster looked as he smiled why im the killing ace Prankster. Lord James looked and yell that goddamn supernova how did you get in here (boom) the barrier crashed into him knocking him threw the wall. Prankster looked and said you asked for killer jokes did you not and nobles get what they want after all. He takes more shrimp then leaves before more marine could come. | |
| | | Ser Random
Berries : 22,300,000 Posts : 233
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Skill 2: Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Mon Aug 31, 2015 11:01 am | |
| Crew: N/A(Just call me the next Mihawk ;o) Position: Shichibukai Tier: 1 Activity: I spend a lot of time here q.q Why: Because my pirate is going to be a bad ass and needs a title that matches his bad assery. (Reapplying w/ a fixed up sample.(It obvious that this work is a slight exaggeration of what he would've done to become a warlord.)) Sample: - The Terror of T.:
It was just like any other typical day in Elron's life. The sun beat down upon the tiny ship at which he had once again stowaway on, stowing away was something often making an intrusion in his daily activities. Without a crew of his own he was left all in his lonesome to just drift from island to island causing a ruckus. It didn't take long for him to get ran out of nearly half the islands in South Blue. All though drifting had seemed like an eternity, especially when the gulls wouldn't stop squawking.
As the ship met a sand bar with a small thud Elron was jolted from his sleep, nearly falling out the crows nest. "We're here already?" he muttered to himself shooting a hand up to fix his hair. Giving his naginata a swift toss it completed a multitude of spins before successfully lodging itself in the sand blade down. Quickly he stood with a stretch, arms headed towards the sky as if they were gonna rip the sun down before coming back and wiping a few beads of sweat on his brow. With another toss Elron flicked his own body over the ledge also landing in the sand with a similar thud as the ship creating a small crater.
Pulling his prized weapon from the sand and giving a little two finger wave he began to make his way towards what he assumed was town. This would be his first trip to Karate Island, he had heard it was the home of the most extravagant martial artists. People of all types traveled to this island in hopes of learning something new from one of the masters or maybe even showcasing their own prowess in one of many tournaments. The real question is would anyone be daring enough to challenge Elron himself? Maybe he would just have to drum up some problems for himself.
All the thinking had made the trip to town such a short one. Before he knew it Elron had found himself in the presence of the first dojo. According to the sign here the sensei of this specific dojo was master of "Flying Monkey Style.""Just what I needed to entertain myself a barrel of monkeys" he chuckled to himself. Floor boards creaked with anticipation as Elron crept through the doors and into the center of the building attracting everyone's attention.
He was greeted with a crackly, yet stern voice. "And just might who you be, and what is your reason for intruding in my sanctuary without permission?"
Firmly planting the butt of his naginata on the ground "Who am I? You fools may refer to me as The Lazy Lion. I am here to take the masters head."
With his purpose being stated it didn't take long for an arrogant fool to come flying through the air foot first with intent to literally kick Elron from the dojo. A rookies mistake though with no problems Elron sidestepped the boy reaching out with his free hand, catching him by the throat. Dropping the body all you heard was a thud and some gargle noises, as the boy lay motionless on the floor. "Is that the best you can do?" Elron chuckled as the other pupils began to swarm him.
Swiftly he moved through the members with such elegance, after images and blood spurts filled the room. It was beautiful as if Elron were an artist; his naginata the brush spreading the blood as paint giving the building a new coat. This would be his masterpiece.
(Insert time skip; so I didn't have to be boring and repeat the same actions over and over.)
Very few people would be able to raze an island with such speed, succumbing only a few wounds. Dark black clouds began to crowd the skies above the island. Every dojo within sight was bursting with red hot flames, piles of bodies, and pools of blood graced the ground. Elron splashed in them dashing around from person to person. It was obvious that Elron had spent most of his day terrorizing the town and setting it aflame. Slicing the last person open he knew that marines would soon be swarming the island. People with intelligence had already began evacuating, because who wouldn't flee at the sight of a mad man chuckling while covered in their crimson blood.
Rows of boots left imprints in the sand as twenty of the finest marine soldiers touched down on the island. A voice could be heard from a tiny den den mushi " You have one mission and one mission only, stop the maniac that is causing all this terror and bring him to justice!." The mission had been confirmed by Hq. Marcus D. Valentine would be the Rear Admiral chosen to lead the strike team.
As time progressed and both forces met each other, the first event would be a death match of stares.
"No wonder they sent so few Marines, what soldier would trust their lives to Mad Marcus?" Elron chuckled as he dodged oncoming slashes and bullets. The comments apparently had not phased the Rear Admiral and were only met with a deep snort. Towering over all the other marines he easily made his way through them as if he were a ship crashing through the waves. Blows were met one for another, a stalemate was forced between the two powers as the grunts just stood in awe. Not many people had ever watched a pirate go toe to toe with any Marine over Captain.
"It's such a pity yanno? I wasn't expecting to be met with such talent, but that talent has been wasted on this day." By the time his sentence had ended his form changed.
The Rear Admiral now felt as much shock and awe as his grunts. "This...will be the deed that defines me." The demon spouted outwards in a deep tone, violence oozing from each word. Before the Marine stood a massive red form with very distinct long black hair, in addition to horns coming from both the mouth and forehead. "You die here." A bright ball of lightning formed in Elron's hand as he raised it to the sky, bringing it down to strike the Rear Admiral. The blow could just not be fended off.
Last edited by Elron T. Ikari on Mon Aug 31, 2015 1:04 pm; edited 1 time in total | |
| | | Draco D. Killdread
Posts : 44
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Seinaru seinaru no Mi Skill 2: Rokushiki Skill 3: Bosushoki-Haki
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Mon Aug 31, 2015 12:54 pm | |
| Crew: The Legeds Position: Supernova Tier: T1 Activity: i can be active 3-6 hours a day finding myself always online xD Why: Its ideal for my character and crew as we traval in search for the one-piece Sample: (500 or more word Sample as you playing as the Position selected
As he stumbled upon the outskirts of the bellator island jungle,his long white braided ponytail rushed behind him his metal plated white mask reflected the moonlight,the all black attire he wears is ideal for stealth.Noticing three recon groups made up of three man cells,he steathily moved threw the woods not alerting any of them.As he proceeded he pulled out a wanted poster Tote X.Balanche 95million beri bounty ex-marine/formor rear-admiral known as (Black-Fist Balanche)...briefly stopping as a patrol unit of five ex-marines crossed his path."Dao-Sword style crescent moon" he unsheathed his swords seperating them before moving in with the crescent slice decapitating all 5 ex-marines in one swoop,blood splattered everywhere pouring from the necks of the marines raining down upon him.
Thinking of nothing but the mission he continued to dash threw the bellator island jungle,the dense forest was hot,damp and humid.Seeing several wildlife he stopped to observe a egg that contained the rare dragon snake species known as Viper headed panthers.Hearing a "hi-ssss" he jumped back only to be cought in the web of a gigantic spider.Using his devil-fruit powers (Holy-holy fruit) he ignited himself freeing himself from the web.Getting free he launched a shigan based attack peircing his way threw ten 18ft trees.Birds started erupting from trees all around him,the shockwave was huge possibly alerting any nearby patrols,"i over did it" he thought to himself.
"This way!!" he heard the distant shout say,so he headed that way. Upon reaching the site where the voice was heard,he encountered the enemy.10 ex-marines of avrage skill a gorilla,and there leader standing 12ft tall,jet black rugged hair he wore no shirt showing off his muscles,plain black pants tucked into his boots,around his waist a sash.Noticing him above everyone else the twelve-footed man started to speak."You there..he exclaimed Your Holy-Fist DDS i presume"he stated in a rather calm voice."Thats me..he commented..The Holy Mercenary here...to..relieve you of your duties".
As he sprinted threw the trees,and vines that separated him from his target,he was confronted by the 10 ex-marines and one of the tropical animals from the jungle being a gorilla.Using Bosushoki-haki his arms became that of solid iron,hitting one lacky sending him flying into the others at break-neck speed.The gorilla leaped high into the sky before being toppled by the now unconcciuos lackys,as the gorrilla descended,his chest cought the palm of the supernova crushing it and sending him flying past Tote X.
"Excellent simply exquisite...to bad you have to die".
Tote ignitiates his haki imbueding his arms in black iron,dashing towards each other,thier fist collide causing black lighting to resonate.The lightning danced as the two combatents went blow-for-blow tic-for-tac.Stumbling back realisng how the stregnth of the two differ,he ignites on fire...any last words Tote...."Hmph..Holy-fist DDS huh...Dont lose any sleep kid you've got a long way to go"sarcasticly speaking. "Your reputation proceeds you..but in the end your still a dead man"
Leaping towards Tote X. Balanche thrusting both palms "Dragon shockwave" hitting him directly in his chest causing him instant death.The shockwave though ceased still echoe'd threw out the forest"thinking to himself i have to get stronger"he then proceeded to exit the jungle with the formor rear-admirals head in a sack.
Last edited by Draco D Killdread on Mon Aug 31, 2015 4:53 pm; edited 6 times in total | |
| | | Kitteh
Berries : 2,500,000 Posts : 53
Skill Sheet Skill 1: wax wax no mi Skill 2: Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Mon Aug 31, 2015 1:31 pm | |
| Crew:Tinker pirates Position:Warlord Tier: teir 1 Activity: on most of everyday, although on school days expect me for 3 hours Why: Kitteh and his crew value fun and entertainment above all else, so why not let him use his imagination for capturing other pirates for the government and making cash at it too. Sample:- fun battles:
As kitteh noticed the other men running around fighting the marines, he thought to himself "why do people resist fun battles like this". Kitteh saw the man behind the pirates, he looked about six feet tall, and wore a dark red kimono. Kitteh guessed this man was a powerful samurai of some kind. As kitteh made his way through the battle between the swordsman’s crew and these marines he grinned. After this battle the man behind the the marines aka a relevant captain that gives him the money, waited for kitteh to call in his crew. The crew would have been ready except Kitteh had let them play poker instead of fighting. Though, the marine’s commander knew that Kitteh himself was a force to be reckoned with, though mostly for everyone else's support. Kitteh just wanted some ice cream and perhaps after the battle, The reward he would be getting himself was not bounty, but ice cream. This aside kitteh loved battles and it was obvious that his opponents knew it. Kitteh spun around with a fake like smile and laughed."wax wax fire crackers" Kitteh yelled as he chucked the little bombs he was so pleasurably smiling about at . The fact was is that kitteh was mostly the support power, and so while the fire crackers stuck to the opponents usually one of his allies would come and kill them.
As kitteh looked up from this madness he saw that all of his opponents were lying on the ground except the swordsman. Kitteh turned his head to the side where he saw the marine and said "I am going to need you to back me up so distract the swordsman while I load my wax wax cannon" As Kitteh loaded the cannon up he saw two swords clash between the marine commander and the pirate captain. After the long loading time kitteh picked up his cannon and aimed it straight for the captain."ready, aim, fire!" As Kitteh sent out his cannon balls he watched as the captain was completely demolished from the balls. The captain fell to the ground, and in that moment kitteh walked away from the battle. As the opponent pirate looked up for a second to see what was going kitteh winked with a smile as he walked away. Kitteh was starving and not even a good battle could keep him away from some nice sweets.
Kitteh walked out of the battle scene, and as his crew was a bit late, he would need to do something to entertain himself.Aha the idea came to his head. He would instead of buying the treats create the treats. Kitteh had been known to be somewhat of a tinkerer. It was time to get busy in his own work. Kitteh loved making all sorts of toys, whether it be wind up robots to train sets. It often wondered most how kitteh got to be a warlord of the sea, well it was simple, he was a genius. He had fought in made styles with made weapons to his unpredictable devil fruit. Well today he would go home and try creating candy. As a matter of a fact he had never tried making food, and had really only gone out for food. As kitteh walked to a good place to make things, a park. No later did Kitteh find A kid crying. This kid seemed to be crying at the aftermath of the previous battle. He was crying because one of the pirates seemed to be his dad. As kitteh really feared he was bored. Kitteh looked for things to give to the kid to play around with. All that was on the ground was guns and swords. Kitteh took this to his advantage. "Hey there kid, you are in luck today, because I have a toy for you"Kitteh noticed this kid most be seven. As the kid looked up he saw the gun in Kitteh's hand and yelled."hahaha I knew you would find this fun" Kitteh failed to notice the fact the kid hated the gun, and Kitteh was just happy that the kid seemed to be feeling more emotion therefore less bored then before. Just then a woman came up with a frying pan and yelled "don't you hurt my son you Demon" kitteh just then noticed his crew was there to pick him up from the town and looked back at her."Wax wax Barrier bomb. good by mad lady with that kitteh dropped the gun into the kids lap and a wall came up between him and the kid with his mother. Kitteh dashed off to get to his crew and maybe get food now, because so far all attempts at food had miserably failed.
Last edited by Kitteh on Mon Aug 31, 2015 7:31 pm; edited 4 times in total | |
| | | Ser Random
Berries : 22,300,000 Posts : 233
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Skill 2: Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Mon Aug 31, 2015 3:28 pm | |
| - Kitteh wrote:
- Crew:Tinker pirates
Position:Warlord Tier: teir 1 Activity: on most of everyday, although on school days expect me for 3 hours Why: Kitteh and his crew value fun and entertainment above all else, so why not let him use his imagination for capturing other pirates for the government and making cash at it too. Sample:- fun battles:
As kitteh noticed the other men running around fighting the marines, he thought to himself "why do people resist fun battles like this". Kitteh saw the man behind the pirates, he looked about six feet tall, and wore a kimono. Kitteh guessed this man was a swordsman of some kind. As kitteh made his way through the battle between the swordsman’s crew and these marines he grinned. After this battle the man behind the the marines aka a relevant capaptain waited for kitteh to call in his crew. The crew would have been ready except Kitteh had let them play poker instead of fighting. Though, the marine’s commander knew that Kitteh himself was a force to be reckoned with. Kitteh just wanted some ice cream and perhaps after the battle, The reward he would be getting himself was not bounty, but ice cream. This aside kitteh loved battles and it was obvious that his opponents knew it. Kitteh spun around with a fake like smile and laughed."wax wax fire crackers" Kitteh yelled as he chucked the little bombs he was so pleasurably smiling about at . The fact was is that kitteh was mostly the support power, and so while the fire crackers stuck to the opponents usually one of his allies would come and kill them.
As kitteh looked up from this madness he saw that all of his opponents were lying on the ground except the swordsman. Kitteh turned his head to the side where he saw the marine and said "I am going to need you to back me up so distract the swordsman while I load my wax wax cannon" As Kitteh loaded the cannon up he saw two swords clash between the marine commander and the pirate captain. After the long loading time kitteh picked up his cannon and aimed it straight for the captain."ready, aim, fire!" As Kitteh sent out his cannon balls he watched as the captain was completely demolished from the balls. The captain fell to the ground, and in that moment kitteh walked away from the battle. As the opponent pirate looked up for a second to see what was going kitteh winked with a smile as he walked away. Kitteh was starving and not even a good battle could keep him away from some nice sweets.
Kitteh walked up to his ship to hear the words of congrats by his crew as they picked him up from the battle scene. As kitteh could see some of the annoyed faces he could tell who exactly that day had won the poker game. As the final moments of battle joy came he saw... the best ice cream shop in town.(hopefully no copyrights cause this ice cream is good) Ben and jerry's! Ice cream. It turns out the majority of his crew had gone there already today to celebrate the poker win and there was absolutely no ice cream left in the shop.
Even though I don't grade these your sample is short some words. | |
| | | Kitteh
Berries : 2,500,000 Posts : 53
Skill Sheet Skill 1: wax wax no mi Skill 2: Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Mon Aug 31, 2015 3:30 pm | |
| | |
| | | Kitteh
Berries : 2,500,000 Posts : 53
Skill Sheet Skill 1: wax wax no mi Skill 2: Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Mon Aug 31, 2015 3:32 pm | |
| | |
| | | Eden D. Scythe
Position : Supernova Posts : 202
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Ryū Hikō Skill 2: Sora Dōmō Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Mon Aug 31, 2015 7:01 pm | |
| While you do meet the bare minimum word requirement, I'm afraid that you are expected to exceed the bare minimum for a Shichibukai position. I want a lot of rich detail about your character in action. Before I read your sample, I really want you to add more to it. Really make a short story out of it. I want to be able to easily tell the kind of person your character is just by reading the actions he takes. You don't need to wait 3 days since I consider your sample more or less incomplete. I want you to impress me! You are an entertainer, after all. - Kitteh wrote:
- Crew:Tinker pirates
Position:Warlord Tier: teir 1 Activity: on most of everyday, although on school days expect me for 3 hours Why: Kitteh and his crew value fun and entertainment above all else, so why not let him use his imagination for capturing other pirates for the government and making cash at it too. Sample:- fun battles:
As kitteh noticed the other men running around fighting the marines, he thought to himself "why do people resist fun battles like this". Kitteh saw the man behind the pirates, he looked about six feet tall, and wore a kimono. Kitteh guessed this man was a swordsman of some kind. As kitteh made his way through the battle between the swordsman’s crew and these marines he grinned. After this battle the man behind the the marines aka a relevant captain that gives him money, waited for kitteh to call in his crew. The crew would have been ready except Kitteh had let them play poker instead of fighting. Though, the marine’s commander knew that Kitteh himself was a force to be reckoned with, though mostly for everyone else's support. Kitteh just wanted some ice cream and perhaps after the battle, The reward he would be getting himself was not bounty, but ice cream. This aside kitteh loved battles and it was obvious that his opponents knew it. Kitteh spun around with a fake like smile and laughed."wax wax fire crackers" Kitteh yelled as he chucked the little bombs he was so pleasurably smiling about at . The fact was is that kitteh was mostly the support power, and so while the fire crackers stuck to the opponents usually one of his allies would come and kill them.
As kitteh looked up from this madness he saw that all of his opponents were lying on the ground except the swordsman. Kitteh turned his head to the side where he saw the marine and said "I am going to need you to back me up so distract the swordsman while I load my wax wax cannon" As Kitteh loaded the cannon up he saw two swords clash between the marine commander and the pirate captain. After the long loading time kitteh picked up his cannon and aimed it straight for the captain."ready, aim, fire!" As Kitteh sent out his cannon balls he watched as the captain was completely demolished from the balls. The captain fell to the ground, and in that moment kitteh walked away from the battle. As the opponent pirate looked up for a second to see what was going kitteh winked with a smile as he walked away. Kitteh was starving and not even a good battle could keep him away from some nice sweets.
Kitteh walked up to his ship to hear the words of congrats by his crew as they picked him up from the battle scene. As kitteh could see some of the annoyed faces he could tell who exactly that day had won the poker game. As the final moments of battle joy came he saw... the best ice cream shop in town.(hopefully no copyrights cause this ice cream is good) Ben and jerry's! Ice cream. It turns out the majority of his crew had gone there already today to celebrate the poker win and there was absolutely no ice cream left in the shop.
| |
| | | Kitteh
Berries : 2,500,000 Posts : 53
Skill Sheet Skill 1: wax wax no mi Skill 2: Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Mon Aug 31, 2015 7:33 pm | |
| | |
| | | Eden D. Scythe
Position : Supernova Posts : 202
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Ryū Hikō Skill 2: Sora Dōmō Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Mon Aug 31, 2015 8:01 pm | |
| While this is much better, and there is a bit more story than before, there are quite a few grammar issues throughout. In a couple places, you also added words that shouldn't have been in there, such as this line: - Kitteh wrote:
- The fact was is that kitteh was mostly the support power, and so while the fire crackers stuck to the opponents usually one of his allies would come and kill them.
among others. This sample is still a large improvement from before. You have a bit of a story going on, and I can tell the kind of person your character is. One thing that has stood out though is the fact that you didn't show off much of the character's devil fruit power. Yes, you made a cannon and you described how you made trains and other kinds of toys, but you didn't go much into detail with these. You didn't describe how the cannon looked or what exactly you did to make the cannon. For the time being, your application is denied. Take 3 days to go over my critiques and fine-tune your writing. I'm certain you will get approved the next time you apply! - Kitteh wrote:
- Crew:Tinker pirates
Position:Warlord Tier: teir 1 Activity: on most of everyday, although on school days expect me for 3 hours Why: Kitteh and his crew value fun and entertainment above all else, so why not let him use his imagination for capturing other pirates for the government and making cash at it too. Sample:- fun battles:
As kitteh noticed the other men running around fighting the marines, he thought to himself "why do people resist fun battles like this". Kitteh saw the man behind the pirates, he looked about six feet tall, and wore a dark red kimono. Kitteh guessed this man was a powerful samurai of some kind. As kitteh made his way through the battle between the swordsman’s crew and these marines he grinned. After this battle the man behind the the marines aka a relevant captain that gives him the money, waited for kitteh to call in his crew. The crew would have been ready except Kitteh had let them play poker instead of fighting. Though, the marine’s commander knew that Kitteh himself was a force to be reckoned with, though mostly for everyone else's support. Kitteh just wanted some ice cream and perhaps after the battle, The reward he would be getting himself was not bounty, but ice cream. This aside kitteh loved battles and it was obvious that his opponents knew it. Kitteh spun around with a fake like smile and laughed."wax wax fire crackers" Kitteh yelled as he chucked the little bombs he was so pleasurably smiling about at . The fact was is that kitteh was mostly the support power, and so while the fire crackers stuck to the opponents usually one of his allies would come and kill them.
As kitteh looked up from this madness he saw that all of his opponents were lying on the ground except the swordsman. Kitteh turned his head to the side where he saw the marine and said "I am going to need you to back me up so distract the swordsman while I load my wax wax cannon" As Kitteh loaded the cannon up he saw two swords clash between the marine commander and the pirate captain. After the long loading time kitteh picked up his cannon and aimed it straight for the captain."ready, aim, fire!" As Kitteh sent out his cannon balls he watched as the captain was completely demolished from the balls. The captain fell to the ground, and in that moment kitteh walked away from the battle. As the opponent pirate looked up for a second to see what was going kitteh winked with a smile as he walked away. Kitteh was starving and not even a good battle could keep him away from some nice sweets.
Kitteh walked out of the battle scene, and as his crew was a bit late, he would need to do something to entertain himself.Aha the idea came to his head. He would instead of buying the treats create the treats. Kitteh had been known to be somewhat of a tinkerer. It was time to get busy in his own work. Kitteh loved making all sorts of toys, whether it be wind up robots to train sets. It often wondered most how kitteh got to be a warlord of the sea, well it was simple, he was a genius. He had fought in made styles with made weapons to his unpredictable devil fruit. Well today he would go home and try creating candy. As a matter of a fact he had never tried making food, and had really only gone out for food. As kitteh walked to a good place to make things, a park. No later did Kitteh find A kid crying. This kid seemed to be crying at the aftermath of the previous battle. He was crying because one of the pirates seemed to be his dad. As kitteh really feared he was bored. Kitteh looked for things to give to the kid to play around with. All that was on the ground was guns and swords. Kitteh took this to his advantage. "Hey there kid, you are in luck today, because I have a toy for you"Kitteh noticed this kid most be seven. As the kid looked up he saw the gun in Kitteh's hand and yelled."hahaha I knew you would find this fun" Kitteh failed to notice the fact the kid hated the gun, and Kitteh was just happy that the kid seemed to be feeling more emotion therefore less bored then before. Just then a woman came up with a frying pan and yelled "don't you hurt my son you Demon" kitteh just then noticed his crew was there to pick him up from the town and looked back at her."Wax wax Barrier bomb. good by mad lady with that kitteh dropped the gun into the kids lap and a wall came up between him and the kid with his mother. Kitteh dashed off to get to his crew and maybe get food now, because so far all attempts at food had miserably failed.
| |
| | | Draco D. Killdread
Posts : 44
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Seinaru seinaru no Mi Skill 2: Rokushiki Skill 3: Bosushoki-Haki
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Wed Sep 02, 2015 12:37 am | |
| Crew: The Legeds Position: Supernova Tier: T1 Activity: i can be active 3-6 hours a day finding myself always online xD Why: Its ideal for my character and crew as we traval in search for the one-piece Sample: (500 or more word Sample as you playing as the Position selected
As Draco stumbled upon the outskirts of the bellator island jungle,his long white braided ponytail rushed behind him his metal plated white mask reflected the moonlight,the all black attire he wears is ideal for stealth.Noticing three recon groups made up of three man cells,he steathily moved threw the woods not alerting any of them.As he proceeded he pulled out a wanted poster Tote X.Balanche 95million beri bounty ex-marine/formor rear-admiral known as (Black-Fist Balanche)...briefly stopping as a patrol unit of five ex-marines crossed his path."Dao-Sword style crescent moon" he unsheathed his swords seperating them before moving in with the crescent slice decapitating all 5 ex-marines in one swoop,blood splattered everywhere pouring from the necks of the marines raining down upon him.
Thinking of nothing but the mission Draco continued to dash threw the bellator island jungle,the dense forest was hot,damp and humid.Seeing several wildlife he stopped to observe a egg that contained the rare dragon snake species known as Viper headed panthers.Hearing a "hi-ssss" he jumped back only to be cought in the web of a gigantic spider.Using his devil-fruit powers (Holy-holy fruit) he ignited himself freeing himself from the web.Getting free he launched a shigan based attack peircing his way threw ten 18ft trees.Birds started erupting from trees all around him,the shockwave was huge possibly alerting any nearby patrols,"i over did it" he thought to himself.
"This way!!" Draco heard the distant shout say,so he headed that way. Upon reaching the site where the voice was heard,he encountered the enemy.10 ex-marines of avrage skill a gorilla,and there leader standing 12ft tall,jet black rugged hair he wore no shirt showing off his muscles,plain black pants tucked into his boots,around his waist a sash.Noticing him above everyone else the twelve-footed man started to speak."You there..he exclaimed Your Holy-Fist DDS i presume"he stated in a rather calm voice."Thats me..he commented..The Holy Mercenary here...to..relieve you of your duties".
As Draco sprinted threw the trees,and vines that separated him from his target,he was confronted by the 10 ex-marines and one of the tropical animals from the jungle being a gorilla.Using Bosushoki-haki his arms became that of solid iron,hitting one lacky sending him flying into the others at break-neck speed.The gorilla leaped high into the sky before being toppled by the now unconcciuos lackys,as the gorrilla descended,his chest cought the palm of the supernova crushing it and sending him flying past Tote X.
"Excellent simply exquisite...to bad you have to die".
Tote ignitiates his haki imbueding his arms in black iron,dashing towards each other,thier fist collide causing black lighting to resonate.The lightning danced as the two combatents went blow-for-blow tic-for-tac.Stumbling back realisng how the stregnth of the two differ,Draco ignites on fire...any last words Tote...."Hmph..Holy-fist DDS huh...Dont lose any sleep kid you've got a long way to go"sarcasticly speaking. "Your reputation proceeds you..but in the end your still a dead man"
Leaping towards Tote X.Balanche,thrusting his right fist as it began to burst with holy fire"Holy-Holy Yellow leopard" hitting him directly in his chest,Burning a hole threw his heart,causing him instant death.The shockwave though ceased still echoe'd threw out the forest"thinking to himself i have to get stronger"he then proceeded to exit the jungle with the formor rear-admirals head in a sack.He limped his way out,and began a new journy. | |
| | | Eden D. Scythe
Position : Supernova Posts : 202
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Ryū Hikō Skill 2: Sora Dōmō Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Wed Sep 02, 2015 1:04 am | |
| I believe this is a huge, huge improvement from before. I could tell from some of your descriptions that your character was rather cold and to-the-point. A story is fairly evident here. However, there are 3 main things here that I would like to name off. The first thing is that there is no actual beginning to this story. You don't really explain why you were on the island in the first place or who the client was or if you simply found the bounty page lying around somewhere. The second thing is that your ending sort of drops off. There is nothing that sums it up and rounds it off. Maybe he went to go turn in the head for the reward, or maybe he simply left the island to another Blue first before turning it in. Whatever it is, I want to know. The last thing is that there are still a lot of spelling problems throughout your sample. While I understood everything you said and you are writing chronologically, the spelling errors make it difficult to read the sample smoothly. Take one more 3-day period to run your sample through some spell checks, and add some detail into your introduction and ending. Since you were able to improve this much in 3 days, I know you'll be ready in another 3 days. I look forward to reading it! - Draco D Killdread wrote:
- Crew: The Legeds
Position: Supernova Tier: T1 Activity: i can be active 3-6 hours a day finding myself always online xD Why: Its ideal for my character and crew as we traval in search for the one-piece Sample: (500 or more word Sample as you playing as the Position selected
As Draco stumbled upon the outskirts of the bellator island jungle,his long white braided ponytail rushed behind him his metal plated white mask reflected the moonlight,the all black attire he wears is ideal for stealth.Noticing three recon groups made up of three man cells,he steathily moved threw the woods not alerting any of them.As he proceeded he pulled out a wanted poster Tote X.Balanche 95million beri bounty ex-marine/formor rear-admiral known as (Black-Fist Balanche)...briefly stopping as a patrol unit of five ex-marines crossed his path."Dao-Sword style crescent moon" he unsheathed his swords seperating them before moving in with the crescent slice decapitating all 5 ex-marines in one swoop,blood splattered everywhere pouring from the necks of the marines raining down upon him.
Thinking of nothing but the mission Draco continued to dash threw the bellator island jungle,the dense forest was hot,damp and humid.Seeing several wildlife he stopped to observe a egg that contained the rare dragon snake species known as Viper headed panthers.Hearing a "hi-ssss" he jumped back only to be cought in the web of a gigantic spider.Using his devil-fruit powers (Holy-holy fruit) he ignited himself freeing himself from the web.Getting free he launched a shigan based attack peircing his way threw ten 18ft trees.Birds started erupting from trees all around him,the shockwave was huge possibly alerting any nearby patrols,"i over did it" he thought to himself.
"This way!!" Draco heard the distant shout say,so he headed that way. Upon reaching the site where the voice was heard,he encountered the enemy.10 ex-marines of avrage skill a gorilla,and there leader standing 12ft tall,jet black rugged hair he wore no shirt showing off his muscles,plain black pants tucked into his boots,around his waist a sash.Noticing him above everyone else the twelve-footed man started to speak."You there..he exclaimed Your Holy-Fist DDS i presume"he stated in a rather calm voice."Thats me..he commented..The Holy Mercenary here...to..relieve you of your duties".
As Draco sprinted threw the trees,and vines that separated him from his target,he was confronted by the 10 ex-marines and one of the tropical animals from the jungle being a gorilla.Using Bosushoki-haki his arms became that of solid iron,hitting one lacky sending him flying into the others at break-neck speed.The gorilla leaped high into the sky before being toppled by the now unconcciuos lackys,as the gorrilla descended,his chest cought the palm of the supernova crushing it and sending him flying past Tote X.
"Excellent simply exquisite...to bad you have to die".
Tote ignitiates his haki imbueding his arms in black iron,dashing towards each other,thier fist collide causing black lighting to resonate.The lightning danced as the two combatents went blow-for-blow tic-for-tac.Stumbling back realisng how the stregnth of the two differ,Draco ignites on fire...any last words Tote...."Hmph..Holy-fist DDS huh...Dont lose any sleep kid you've got a long way to go"sarcasticly speaking. "Your reputation proceeds you..but in the end your still a dead man"
Leaping towards Tote X.Balanche,thrusting his right fist as it began to burst with holy fire"Holy-Holy Yellow leopard" hitting him directly in his chest,Burning a hole threw his heart,causing him instant death.The shockwave though ceased still echoe'd threw out the forest"thinking to himself i have to get stronger"he then proceeded to exit the jungle with the formor rear-admirals head in a sack.He limped his way out,and began a new journy. | |
| | | Eden D. Scythe
Position : Supernova Posts : 202
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Ryū Hikō Skill 2: Sora Dōmō Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Wed Sep 02, 2015 12:49 pm | |
| Okay, so. While you do have some grammatical errors here and there (which is fairly normal), this is a fantastic sample. It has a very clear beginning, middle, and end; it has some dialogue, and it shows off your character using his devil fruit powers. Your character's personality is shown off quite a bit, though I wish I could have seen more about his constant desire to break rules, such as those founded by the Marines and World Government. All in all, you have my approval. Either Azure or Laplace will give a second grade and give you your advancement. - Yami wrote:
- Crew: N/A (Still up for grabs -wink wink-)
Position: Super Nova Tier: 1 Activity: Two to five hours a day Why: Because my character is a constant rule breaker with the exception of some of his own rules. Just hand him a rule or book of laws and he'll try his hardest to break every last one of them. He has absolutely no love for marines and the world government and anyone who stands with them. Sample: - The Sample:
Yami sat at the bar of a tavern in a town called Gosa village on one of the Conomi islands, within the East Blue. The entire tavern was empty aside from Yami and the bartender. In his left hand he held a cup of cola, in the other a receiver of a Den Den Mushi. His trademark top hat sat on the stool next to him like he was reserving the seat. "Yep...Mhm...Yeah, i'm still here. This place is still kinda crawling with bounty hunters...Right, thanks captain. Just don't forget about me this time." He said just before hanging the receiver back into its slot on the snail shell. He then hunched his shoulders and let out a long sigh. Several hours ago, early in the morning before dawn, Yami went off alone in search of herbs to make medicine out of. When he is out getting herbs, he tends to foolishly lose track of time. Yami had a doctors office in the ship which he usually had a "Do not disturbed" sign on the door in red letters. When he slept he kept the sign on the the door. Unfortunately, he forgot to take down the sign before leaving the ship. Under the impression that the doctor was sleeping contently in room, the ship and crew left the island. The agreement was that they would set sail at dawn.
His glass was held high over his head once he chugged down another glass cola. "May i have another, my good sir?" Yami asked the bartender. The bartender was a tall bald muscular man wearing white shorts with a red rose pattern. "Yeah! Course ya' can! Another cola comin' right up!" The man said filled with enthusiasm. As the man reached under the bar he looked at Yami with his eyebrow raised. He went on to pour cola into the empty glass. color=purple]"Hey, don't i know you from somewhere? You seem pretty familiar...You must be one of those famous bounty hunters i heard of!"[/color] Yami laughed as the man claimed to know him as a bounty hunter. Just the thought of being a bounty hunter made him laugh. It was the first time someone thought he was a bounty hunter. "No no no, i'm just a pirate doctor...Or a doctor pirate. And this is the first time i've been to this island. Guess i just have one of those faces." He replied followed by more laughter. "Well of you're a pirate you should watch out for the bounty hunters round here. They'll come after you even if ya' have three beri bounty. Especially a guy named Big Roy. He has a large group of bounty hunter under his command." Said the bartender with a wide grin on his face.
The loud booming sound of a cannon, followed by the cries of pain and agony could be heard from just outside the tavern. Yami stood to his feet grabbing his hat and placing it on his head. The sound of someone in pain was like an alarm clock ringing in his head. To him it was his sworn duty as a doctor to help anyone in need. After picking up his medical bag, he said. "I should get going now, have a nice day and keep the change." Yami tossed a thousand beri bill on the bar before heading out of the door. " Have a good day!" The bartender replied happily. Outside the shop was a large man around six foot five in height with a golden cannon strapped on his right shoulder. Five men stood behind the much larger man with swords and pistols holstered around their waists. Another man was laying in a pool of blood on the ground several meters in front of group. Yami swiftly walked over and knelt down by the man.
With his hands he ripped of the mans shirt. There were no external injuries, just one large cannon ball shaped bruise on the mans stomach and lower chest. With his hands he felt the mans ribs on both sides. "You'll be just fine. My name is Yami, and i'm a doctor i'll fix you right up." Yami said in a reassuring tone and a smile. The man began to cough up blood. "Some of his ribs are broken and he probably has a ruptured kidney. He's in really bad shape here. I've got to start right aw-" His thought was cut off by the voice of the man with the cannon. "That's my bounty he's worth three million beri dead or alive! So back off or die with him!" The man demanded. Yami ignored the threat to focus solely on his patient. He reached into his medical bag for a syringe filled with medicine to stabilize the man. Yami had pills to do the same thing but in this situation they wouldn't work, the male would just choke on them.
Still looking and reaching into his bag he didn't notice the now charging bounty hunter. Lifting and swinging his massive leg, the man managed to kick Yami in the face sending him tumbling and crashing into a wall. Pieces of the building collapsed and fell on top Yami. The larger bounty hunter laughed. "You must not know who i am boy! I'm Big Roy one of the most famous bounty hunters in the East Blue. I was gonna keep him alive but i just changed my mine." Roy cocked his cannon as he aimed down at the injured pirate, while the rest of his group cheered him on loudly. Yami pushed the rubble off of himself then stood to his feet. He began to dust himself off. Only a few bruises were seen in his face. His eyes grew wide in fear as he saw where Roy's cannon was aimed. "Wait! No!" Yami yelled, extending his arm toward the pirate. At that moment Roy smirked, and pulled the trigger. The cannon ball was released followed by a loud crash. The cannon ball hit the man square in the chest crushing his chest cavity. His lungs and heart were crushed instantly upon impact. Just by looking Yami could tell the man was dead. He figured at that range and his previous condition there was no logical way he could've survived.
Yami walked to the middle of the road where his hat had been blown to. He felt death of that pirate was his fault. To Yami that man wasn't just some pirate with a bounty. He was his patient under his care, even though it was brief. The pirate dusted it off, then glared at Roy. His golden eyes were cold and filled with anger. One after the other he took his gloves off. There are only a couple things that piss him off, snakes and hurting his friends and patients. "You're going to pay..." He muttered. "Hey boss look at this. That guy is the Top Hat pirate with an eighty million beri bounty on his head." One of the men said while comparing Yami to a wanted poster. "That scrawny little bastard!? It's probably a fake but what the hell! Looks like you'll be joining your friend in hell! Take this!" Roy took aim at Yami with his golden cannon. Seconds later he pulled the trigger releasing a single cannon ball at high speed at Yami. The top hat pirate raised his left hand up at the incoming cannon ball. The cannon ball was sent fly back into the cannon at a slightly faster speed as soon as it touched Yami's palm. The barrel of the gold cannon was completely destroyed. "What the hell!? How did ya' do that...?"[/color] Big Roy questioned as he remove the shoulder mounted cannon. His men also wondered how the cannon ball was rejected, with rather confused faces.
"I ate the paw paw devil fruit so that makes me a paw palmed man." He replied with his hand pointed towards them showing the animal like paw. He wasn't going to go into detail because he saw no reason too. The group of me laughed historically at the name "Paw palmed man". They also taunted him. Y calling "freak,monster,weirdo...Etc." Yami was used to this sort of reaction. He just saw this moment as a window of opportunity. Their guard was down giving him he perfect time to strike. Yami used his palms to swiftly propel himself toward Roy. To the untrained eye of his much wear opponents, it seemed like his movement was a form teleportation. Before the man had time to react, he was several feet off the ground. Then the pirate jabbed Roy in the jaw with his fist. The punch alone was enough to knock the large bounty hunter flat on his back. Roy grunted as he rolled to his side. He rose to a kneeling position. "Damn pirate..I'LL KILL YOU!" From kneeling Roy charged forward cocking back his massive right arm. Yami stepped out of the way letting the attack pass him by. Yami thrusted both his palms into Roy's faces as he passed him. Roy was then sent flying backward leaving an outline of his body in the face of the building he slammed into. Big Roy gasped for air just before falling to the ground unconscious five seconds later.
With their boss out of commission two of his underlings drew their swords, then dashed toward Yami. The two ran in unison on opposite sides of the road. As they closed in on Yami they swung their swords almost simultaneously aiming for his neck. Crossing his arms with his palms facing the edge of both the blades. The two men spiraled away crashing into builds on their respective sides of the street. Two of the lackeys remained, the two exchanged words quietly. They spoke in a hushed tone so Yami couldn't hear. Suddenly, one dashed up the dirt road then made a right at the first alley way. The other drew his pistol. The grunt shot aiming at Yami's head. With his hand he deflected the bullets back at him. After being hit once by a bullet in the opposite shoulder he was shooting with, he barrel rolled to the left. Yami just followed the barrel of the gun with his palm and continued to deflect bullets. Eventually he ran out of bullets and took off running after the other man.
Yami as he stood over the body of Roy, he heard a horde footsteps closing in on him. The top hat pirate sighed as he looked toward the incoming group of men in front of him. They seemed to be back up with the two men that previously left hidden amongst the crowd. There were about fifty men in total. They were shock to see their boss laying in the dirt unconscious. Comments such as "He took down the boss? What kind of freak is he? Etc."The bounty hunters carried different types of weapons from axes to hand cannons. Intimidating as they thought they seemed Yami was ready to take on the whole lot of them. For a moment the air was still and everyone was silent. The gripping and tightening of some of the bounty hunters hands on their weapons could be heard. Not taking any chances, Yami quickly jabbed the air with his palm sending forth a compressed paw shaped air bubble at the center of the group. "Leopard Paw!" He shouted. The paw hit one of the men in the chest leaving a paw imprint on the mans chest. That same man was sent soaring backward into the crowd along with twenty other bounty hunters. Most of the crowd was stood still in awe of the single attack. Yami just stared with cold eyes at the rest of them.
A couple of black silhouettes could be seen on a pirate ship on the distance horizon behind Yami. The silence was broken as the remaining group of bounty hunters trembled in fear, some of them clumsily stumbled back falling to the ground. Yami looked over his shoulder to see a few familiar figures in the distance. Smiling he raised his hand in the air and began to wave. Seeing no reason to get further involved he said. "That's my queue. I bid you gentlemen farewell. You better bury that man..For your sake i hope we never meet again, Big Roy.." Though he was pretty sure Roy was knocked out cold and unable to hear his parting words, he assumed one of his men would relay his message. The pirate tipped his hat before heading toward his crew mates. The remaining bounty hunters began to scurry off in different directions as he walked away. Others remained and waited until Yami was gone to help their boss.
| |
| | | Eden D. Scythe
Position : Supernova Posts : 202
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Ryū Hikō Skill 2: Sora Dōmō Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Wed Sep 02, 2015 12:54 pm | |
| While your grammar/spelling did improve a bit from your last sample, I still believe this is your biggest issue. In some places throughout, you still have run-on sentences, which really ruins the flow of the story. While you did have a little bit of a story going on, it wasn't clearly evident. I think your biggest quality though right now is that you showed off your character's devil fruit powers, and you portray your character's personality rather well. For now, your sample is denied. Over the next three days, I want you to work some more on your grammar/spelling, and I would like to see a more clearly-defined story. - Genghis A. Graves wrote:
- THIS POST IS FOR PRANKSTER, he was having complications.
- prankster wrote:
- Crew: the Cheshire Harleyquin
Position: supernova Tier: 1 Activity: I can be on anytime for hours if it takes it Why: have you ever met someone so buggy that you wish they'll just go away im the pain the world government and world nobles seem to cant get rid of I go to sleep early just to wake up early to get in trouble give us liberty or else how I see it they got two choices the world nobles can live in our new free world or they can die in they old one. Sample: It was a fine evening as a party of some sort was being held. It wasn't just any party it was a noble party and such a lovely party it was. Boom a loud gun shot went off as everyone turn to see. What gave you the right to talk back to me you low life human. Lord james seemingly loves to shoot his slaves the nobles whispered to themselves After that boredom did start to enter the ball room ironically so did prankster the nobles saw him heading towards the food tables. You there clown you are here to entertain us with entertainment not eat get to it. Prankster said nothing as he continued to eat what he did early made him rather hungry and tire.The nobles looked on as lord James kept yelling at Prankster but to no responsed did Prankster give him til he turned around. Prankster with shrimp in his hand in mouth begin to look at the crowd of nobles finally finishing his food. So your celestial dragons aye yall seem pretty comfortable up in this tower of yours. Lord James and the others looked as he pulled out his gun and aim it at Prankster. So if you wont gives us a magic show or what not ill give you one. Prankster smiled as the nobles begin to laugh at him as though he was a comedy act. Prankster looked up and said for my first act im going to turn a dragon into a coward. The nobles looked on wondering what he meant as Prankster moved his fingers. The noble shot his gun only to be stunned at Prankster not being harmed he kept firing until the clips was empty. As he tired to reload he out of nowhere was getting pushed backed into the wall. The other nobles became afraid as lord James body was being crushed by Prankster invisible barrier.Lord James started to scream for help soon enough the wall had a print of his body pressed into it. Prankster walked back to the table to grab a glass of wine took a sip then said. Wala magic they looked as no more then 5 marine soldiers came in where are the rest of the soldiers the nobles yelled. Getting news that the other guards was unconscious put goosebumps on them.Prankster took a deep breath as he began to walk towards them causing most nobles to run out while the others ran to the tower window hiding behind the marine.For my final act ill be skydiving but ill be needing some volunteers now then be hold.The last few nobles faces turned red Prankster created a barrier frote as it began pushing them back the marine soldiers was helpless as the nobles began to fall out the window. No please wait I cant swim Prankster looked laugh then said dont worry I heard cowards float. Just as he pushed them out the window he gladly smiled as he began to leave. Lord James see him and yelled just who in the hell are you clown Prankster looked as he smiled why im the killing ace Prankster. Lord James looked and yell that goddamn supernova how did you get in here (boom) the barrier crashed into him knocking him threw the wall. Prankster looked and said you asked for killer jokes did you not and nobles get what they want after all. He takes more shrimp then leaves before more marine could come. | |
| | | Bones!
Posts : 134
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Godmod Skill 2: Boots of Kicking Skill 3: Polished Banhammer
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Thu Sep 03, 2015 10:51 pm | |
| [Don't make me regret it.] (4 Strawhats out of 5) - Ser Random wrote:
- Crew: N/A(Just call me the next Mihawk ;o)
Position: Shichibukai Tier: 1 Activity: I spend a lot of time here q.q Why: Because my pirate is going to be a bad ass and needs a title that matches his bad assery. (Reapplying w/ a fixed up sample.(It obvious that this work is a slight exaggeration of what he would've done to become a warlord.)) Sample:
- The Terror of T.:
It was just like any other typical day in Elron's life. The sun beat down upon the tiny ship at which he had once again stowaway on, stowing away was something often making an intrusion in his daily activities. Without a crew of his own he was left all in his lonesome to just drift from island to island causing a ruckus. It didn't take long for him to get ran out of nearly half the islands in South Blue. All though drifting had seemed like an eternity, especially when the gulls wouldn't stop squawking.
As the ship met a sand bar with a small thud Elron was jolted from his sleep, nearly falling out the crows nest. "We're here already?" he muttered to himself shooting a hand up to fix his hair. Giving his naginata a swift toss it completed a multitude of spins before successfully lodging itself in the sand blade down. Quickly he stood with a stretch, arms headed towards the sky as if they were gonna rip the sun down before coming back and wiping a few beads of sweat on his brow. With another toss Elron flicked his own body over the ledge also landing in the sand with a similar thud as the ship creating a small crater.
Pulling his prized weapon from the sand and giving a little two finger wave he began to make his way towards what he assumed was town. This would be his first trip to Karate Island, he had heard it was the home of the most extravagant martial artists. People of all types traveled to this island in hopes of learning something new from one of the masters or maybe even showcasing their own prowess in one of many tournaments. The real question is would anyone be daring enough to challenge Elron himself? Maybe he would just have to drum up some problems for himself.
All the thinking had made the trip to town such a short one. Before he knew it Elron had found himself in the presence of the first dojo. According to the sign here the sensei of this specific dojo was master of "Flying Monkey Style.""Just what I needed to entertain myself a barrel of monkeys" he chuckled to himself. Floor boards creaked with anticipation as Elron crept through the doors and into the center of the building attracting everyone's attention.
He was greeted with a crackly, yet stern voice. "And just might who you be, and what is your reason for intruding in my sanctuary without permission?"
Firmly planting the butt of his naginata on the ground "Who am I? You fools may refer to me as The Lazy Lion. I am here to take the masters head."
With his purpose being stated it didn't take long for an arrogant fool to come flying through the air foot first with intent to literally kick Elron from the dojo. A rookies mistake though with no problems Elron sidestepped the boy reaching out with his free hand, catching him by the throat. Dropping the body all you heard was a thud and some gargle noises, as the boy lay motionless on the floor. "Is that the best you can do?" Elron chuckled as the other pupils began to swarm him.
Swiftly he moved through the members with such elegance, after images and blood spurts filled the room. It was beautiful as if Elron were an artist; his naginata the brush spreading the blood as paint giving the building a new coat. This would be his masterpiece.
(Insert time skip; so I didn't have to be boring and repeat the same actions over and over.)
Very few people would be able to raze an island with such speed, succumbing only a few wounds. Dark black clouds began to crowd the skies above the island. Every dojo within sight was bursting with red hot flames, piles of bodies, and pools of blood graced the ground. Elron splashed in them dashing around from person to person. It was obvious that Elron had spent most of his day terrorizing the town and setting it aflame. Slicing the last person open he knew that marines would soon be swarming the island. People with intelligence had already began evacuating, because who wouldn't flee at the sight of a mad man chuckling while covered in their crimson blood.
Rows of boots left imprints in the sand as twenty of the finest marine soldiers touched down on the island. A voice could be heard from a tiny den den mushi " You have one mission and one mission only, stop the maniac that is causing all this terror and bring him to justice!." The mission had been confirmed by Hq. Marcus D. Valentine would be the Rear Admiral chosen to lead the strike team.
As time progressed and both forces met each other, the first event would be a death match of stares.
"No wonder they sent so few Marines, what soldier would trust their lives to Mad Marcus?" Elron chuckled as he dodged oncoming slashes and bullets. The comments apparently had not phased the Rear Admiral and were only met with a deep snort. Towering over all the other marines he easily made his way through them as if he were a ship crashing through the waves. Blows were met one for another, a stalemate was forced between the two powers as the grunts just stood in awe. Not many people had ever watched a pirate go toe to toe with any Marine over Captain.
"It's such a pity yanno? I wasn't expecting to be met with such talent, but that talent has been wasted on this day." By the time his sentence had ended his form changed.
The Rear Admiral now felt as much shock and awe as his grunts. "This...will be the deed that defines me." The demon spouted outwards in a deep tone, violence oozing from each word. Before the Marine stood a massive red form with very distinct long black hair, in addition to horns coming from both the mouth and forehead. "You die here." A bright ball of lightning formed in Elron's hand as he raised it to the sky, bringing it down to strike the Rear Admiral. The blow could just not be fended off.
| |
| | | Laplace
Posts : 56
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Thu Sep 03, 2015 11:24 pm | |
| Changed my mind. BOUNTY: 93,000,000 LEVEL: +26,000 EXP (27,800 total - lvl.20)
@Random | |
| | | Kitteh
Berries : 2,500,000 Posts : 53
Skill Sheet Skill 1: wax wax no mi Skill 2: Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Tue Sep 08, 2015 8:21 pm | |
| Crew: TInker Pirates Position: Shibukai Tier: 1 Activity: on daily Why: In the laws of kitteh's crew he has simply that entertainment needs to be provided, this being said he can go to great levels to get peoples entertainment. Kitteh would be an extremely helpful Warlord of the sea, and would pose a great threat to all around Sample: - Don't mess with the wax:
"stop now, Weren't you once a pirate too!?"
Kitteh thought on the question being asked of him as his wax wax barrier grew up onto where the other man was standing and covered the man, to where the only visible body part was his head. Kitteh once was a kid on fishman island. He once had a normal pirate life, and he once had his life planned out for him. For the most part nothing changed, he was a seventeen year old who loved to play with toys and be a pirate. In the modern ages kitteh was a Kid who fought pirates for the marines. Now Kitteh was trapping a man in wax so that the marines could demolish him. This man was the more famous "Lucky clover" who had been known to appear when you were having the worst of luck. Now Kitteh was having the best of luck he was trapping and capturing the man and taking him back to military headquarters. Kitteh had actually once known this man, as he was a gambler at his homes local tavern. A normal person would not think that fishmen would have taverns, but they did.
"I was, and you were once a drunken man" Kitteh replied. As his crew came to collect the trash aka Lucky clover Kitteh walked off. Suddenly a hand tugged on kitteh, and instantly made him turn around."Hey, nice job out there, but wouldn't you like your cash" As Kitteh heard this he realized that the reason they came here was to save a high ranking kidnapped marine from certain death. The marine was wearing tattered blue and white sailor clothes with a purple coat that stretched from feet to nose. The man must have been released from one of his crew members, and obviously had a fair amount of cash. "Oh right I did promise my crew members another board game to stop there misery" In fact he did owe them, because three days before he had tried to make a fire breathing toy snake, which had burned the game they were playing of Go.
Kitteh took the money and walked off, as it turned out there was a lot more money then for just a board game. When Kitteh finally got to a large wooden shack on the street he knew exactly what would be inside. As Kitteh peaked inside he found that there was a six foot tall wooden bookshelf full of, not books, but games. The majority of games he found turned out to be dusty and missed pieces, but it did not take long for him to find the one he wanted. A board of chess with a complete set of pieces lay in the second row of the enormous collection. Kitteh was slightly unsurprised to find that hidden behind the bookshelf was an escaped crew member of mister luck himself."Looks like your luck has run out!" Kitteh made sure to yell this so that others could come to the crime scene. Before the crew came Kitteh saw a terrified shop owner run out of the store."wax wax fire crackers" The small explosives appeared in his hand, they looked like little stones or pebbles, but his opponent would know in a second that hey were much much worse. The move kitteh would make in this situation was to chuck two at the mans hands and the same for his feet and then the last one he would use went for the head. In the end at least he got the board game he wanted.
| |
| | | Azure Snow The Owner
Position : Marine Captain Berries : 135,000 Posts : 1075
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Heaven's Nodachi Skill 2: Gun Blade Style Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Sun Sep 13, 2015 12:07 pm | |
| The RP, In my opinion was lacking the flavor needed to become a Warlord. I didn't feel the flow of words that I like to when reading someones sample. I am Sorry, But I don't think you have what It takes in this point in time to have a Position. Try again if you would like in 45 days.. this will give you time to improve your RP skills and possibly add the Lost flavor that is needed. - Kitteh wrote:
- Crew: TInker Pirates
Position: Shibukai Tier: 1 Activity: on daily Why: In the laws of kitteh's crew he has simply that entertainment needs to be provided, this being said he can go to great levels to get peoples entertainment. Kitteh would be an extremely helpful Warlord of the sea, and would pose a great threat to all around Sample: - Don't mess with the wax:
"stop now, Weren't you once a pirate too!?"
Kitteh thought on the question being asked of him as his wax wax barrier grew up onto where the other man was standing and covered the man, to where the only visible body part was his head. Kitteh once was a kid on fishman island. He once had a normal pirate life, and he once had his life planned out for him. For the most part nothing changed, he was a seventeen year old who loved to play with toys and be a pirate. In the modern ages kitteh was a Kid who fought pirates for the marines. Now Kitteh was trapping a man in wax so that the marines could demolish him. This man was the more famous "Lucky clover" who had been known to appear when you were having the worst of luck. Now Kitteh was having the best of luck he was trapping and capturing the man and taking him back to military headquarters. Kitteh had actually once known this man, as he was a gambler at his homes local tavern. A normal person would not think that fishmen would have taverns, but they did.
"I was, and you were once a drunken man" Kitteh replied. As his crew came to collect the trash aka Lucky clover Kitteh walked off. Suddenly a hand tugged on kitteh, and instantly made him turn around."Hey, nice job out there, but wouldn't you like your cash" As Kitteh heard this he realized that the reason they came here was to save a high ranking kidnapped marine from certain death. The marine was wearing tattered blue and white sailor clothes with a purple coat that stretched from feet to nose. The man must have been released from one of his crew members, and obviously had a fair amount of cash. "Oh right I did promise my crew members another board game to stop there misery" In fact he did owe them, because three days before he had tried to make a fire breathing toy snake, which had burned the game they were playing of Go.
Kitteh took the money and walked off, as it turned out there was a lot more money then for just a board game. When Kitteh finally got to a large wooden shack on the street he knew exactly what would be inside. As Kitteh peaked inside he found that there was a six foot tall wooden bookshelf full of, not books, but games. The majority of games he found turned out to be dusty and missed pieces, but it did not take long for him to find the one he wanted. A board of chess with a complete set of pieces lay in the second row of the enormous collection. Kitteh was slightly unsurprised to find that hidden behind the bookshelf was an escaped crew member of mister luck himself."Looks like your luck has run out!" Kitteh made sure to yell this so that others could come to the crime scene. Before the crew came Kitteh saw a terrified shop owner run out of the store."wax wax fire crackers" The small explosives appeared in his hand, they looked like little stones or pebbles, but his opponent would know in a second that hey were much much worse. The move kitteh would make in this situation was to chuck two at the mans hands and the same for his feet and then the last one he would use went for the head. In the end at least he got the board game he wanted.
| |
| | | Ninth_Horseman
Position : Begger Berries : -10,000,000 Posts : 94
Skill Sheet Skill 1: Skill 2: Skill 3:
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration Sun Sep 13, 2015 12:12 pm | |
| I approve. Congrat my friend - Radley wrote:
- Crew: Dream Eater Pirates
Position: Supernova Tier: Tier 1 Activity: I’m usually online whenever my laptop is open. I generally keep the site open and check back periodically through the day. Only future issues might be around big exam weeks like Midterms and Finals week and a couple days where I go visit home or am visited from home. Why: Radley is a tough as nails guy that loves a good brawl and good food. He seeks to increase his power and strength so that he may one day become a legendary figure to the eyes of the world. He is a protector for what he believes, whether that be some personal policy or related to his crew, and will fight ( or cook) to protect those ideals. I feel that something that might be kind of eye-catching about Radley is his sheer strength and ruthlessness that he ends up projecting during a fight. With a devilish grin and lots of wicked punches, this is one rookie keep an eye on.
Sample:
- Sample:
Inside the busy restaurant amongst the sounds of utensils clinking against plates and the kitchen doors opening and closing as waiters and waitresses flew in and out with armloads of plates. Radley Luxford, wearing a red shirt this day with a yellow hibiscus design, sat amongst the many patrons of the slightly more upscale restaurant. The blond brawler had found time to slip away from the crew to come to the restaurant. Since last he came through here one of the chefs that Radley had befriended had taken over the restaurant. So this visit allowed Radley to do two things: The first was to visit an old friend, the second was to partake in his passion for food and the consumption of food.
Radley had managed to get a table more towards the back of the restaurant. His old friend had just left the table after personally serving Radley and hearing Radley’s positive remarks about the first bite. Radley was left to his own as he continued with his meal. As he was about halfway through the dish, the doors to the restaurant burst open followed by a gunshot. Radley turned to look at the source of the noise. In the doorway stood seven people dressed various clothing, all with red streaks through their hair except the one boy -who seemed about seventeen- towards the front holding the smoking flintlock whose hair was completely red. Radley could see some markings of tattoos on some of them but was too far away to really make out what they were. Radley decided to turn his attention back to his food.
Behind him the red haired boy stepped forward, heavy boots upon the floor “This is now a private lunch.” The boy said. “ So If ya ain’t in the Red Top Pirates, get the fuck out!” He said pointing the gun towards the customers. “ An’ if ya thinkin a joinin so ya can still eat; you can all form a line outside and then fuck off!” He said firing a shot into the floor. The patrons of the restaurant scrambled and left the restaurant. Leaving the restaurant staff, the pirates, and Radley in his red shirt. The captain looked at the back of Radley then looked to his crew, then started to walk forward with the crew. The leader motions towards Radley and one of the crew, a big burley guy breaks from the group and walks over beside Radley.
Radley had about a quarter left of his food. The brutish man speaks up “ Oi, You deaf?” he said. “ Captain said to get lost.” The man says slamming his hand down on Radley’s table. Radley doesn’t make eye contact with the man. “ Ain’t finished yet. There’s room elsewhere.” He said. “We don’t give a shit of you’re done or not. Captain says to get the fuck out.” Radley took another bite of his food. “Ain’t my captain.” He said. The man’s hand swipes the table flinging the plate and food across the room, to crash on the ground. “ Listen you punk! Do you know who the hell we are?” The brute says. “I wasn’t done with that.” Radley said, his face growing darker, a very faint growl present in his voice. The captain walked up behind him. “ Well if you love it so much, how about you eat it off the floor like the disobedient dog you are? “ The captain said. “Yeah, eat it off the fl-“ The thug couldn’t get the “floor” out as Radley lashed out at the man with a hammer fist, catching the brute in the chest. The thugs chest visually bowed and an audible cracking sound could be heard before the large thug was launched back several feet.
“Orlin!” the captain yelled. “Wha-What the hell!?” The red-haired boy shrieked. Radley stood from his chair to his full six -foot one height. “ I gave you all the option to let all of us eat in peace.” He said cracking his knuckles as he slipped on his brass knuckles. The captain panicked and from his shaking hand fired a shot that only managed to graze Radley’s shoulder. Radley turned around shooting a menacing glare at the captain and the cowering crew. “ But then you had to go and provoke me by wasting food.” He said stepping towards the captain. “ Now you won’t even leave this town.” He said.
Looming in front of the captain, Radley knocked his fists together causing the bronze knuckles and his fists to ignite. His right fist turned black as he sheathed it with haki before he drove his flaming fist into the red haired captain’s chest knocking him through trough some of the members of his crew to wards the other side of the restaurant landing with a smoldering hole on his chest.
The crew members that hadn’t knocked down by their launched captain looked back at Radley in horror. “Wait…” one of them said as Radley began walking towards them. “ That face! Those weapons! That style of fighting! That strength!” He paused as his face grew even more grim looking. “Dear God. We just picked a fight with “Mad Fist” Radley!”
--- "... And that's why no one's ever heard of the Red Top Pirates." Radley said setting down his empty glass on the table surrounded by the rest of his crew. Radley held up a hand and motions to the barkeep for another drink. After taking receiving the new full glass, he took a swig before taking a breath. " Alright. Who's telling the next one?"
Also managed to come up with an epithet I like. Have a nice day! | |
| | | Sponsored content
| Subject: Re: Pirate Positions Registration | |
| |
| | | | Pirate Positions Registration | |
|
Similar topics | |
|
| Permissions in this forum: | You cannot reply to topics in this forum
| |
| |
| Staff List |
OWNER
HEAD MODERATOR
MODERATORS
DEVELOPERS
|
Top posting users this month | |
Top posting users this week | |
Statistics | We have 298 registered users The newest registered user is Kon
Our users have posted a total of 10058 messages in 1710 subjects
|
|